Quarter-life crisis in 2020. I mean could the world not wait until we had got through what we hope to be the worst year that our generation will see, before making me go through the crisis that is being 25?
I have through my life experienced poor mental health, so trust me when I say where I’m at right now with the quarter-life crisis thing certainly isn’t my first rodeo. This time it feels more like a multiple marathon rodeo rather than the typical, yet horrendous, cross-country. Now I know that this may all come across as the typical privileged first world problems whine, but I do also hope that there are people out there that understand and can resonate with what I am going through. The purpose of this blog is to try and figure life out whilst hopefully helping others figure it out in the process.
Now at the start of 2020, I thought what we all thought “this is going to be my year!” Lets all now laugh together. I mean despite the pandemic, numerous lockdowns, restrictions put in place and the fear of loved ones dying, my experience of 2020 has not been completely awful compared to what other have experienced, but that’s not to say that it has not been hard.
At the start, I felt like I was making moves and really getting my life together. I was in the early days of an amazing relationship, having fun, spending time together, with friends and having the feeling of safety and love like I’ve never felt before. This isn’t a sad breakup story, I’m still in this relationship feeling more and more loved every day and we survived the relationship killer that was and still is lockdown. Anyways I’m waffling, I could write about him all day but right now I will spare you and also him the embarrassment.
At the beginning of January I moved out of my childhood home for the first time, you know the typical ‘new year, new me hun’. This was the first time I’ve properly moved out and it felt like I was leaving my parents and childhood behind when in reality it was a 5 minute walk down an alleyway to their house. I do not live in a huge palace, its a small flat with lovely landlords very close by but it’s mine for a certain price each month and that gives me the privacy and independence that every person should experience in their mid-twenties if they can. I have always struggled with the conflicting feelings of wanting to be on my own but also wanting to spend every waking minute with the person I’m romantically involved with. So I took the leap and began living on my own and tried not to force my boyfriend to spend all of his time with me as we all know that is not healthy nor productive.
So the year that’s meant to be my year and the time I’m learning to live on my own, lockdown hits, my workplace shuts down and I am very fortunate enough to be placed on the furlough scheme which obviously saved me financially. But now I was struggling with the whole living on my own, feeling purposeless and also the extreme worrying of everything and anything whilst having more time to overthink the world. I will be forever grateful to the people that were there to support me throughout that and also all of the kind offers of having me stay with you all over lockdown. I should explain that I declined everyone’s offers due to pure stubbornness and wanting to prove to everyone and myself that I could live on my own as what’s more extreme than proving a point in the height of a national pandemic?
Eventually, the world regained a tiny form of normality, I could see my loved ones and spend time in different places and then finally I could go back to work. Now, pre-lockdown I enjoyed my job, the hours are unsociable due to it being shift work but the actual job I enjoyed. I felt like I was good at it and I was learning quickly how to do different roles and thriving. And now post lockdown, I do not necessarily hate my job but lockdown made me realise that sometimes the money is not worth missing out on time that could be spent with loved ones making memories. I know I should be grateful at the fact that I still am in employment as a lot of people have unfortunately either lost their job or their businesses which I can’t even imagine how they must feel. I have realised as well that this isn’t the career path that I want to pursue, in the beginning the job got me out of one of the many tough times in my life, and it also allowed me to escape a very toxic situation I was in. It honesty felt like the best thing to ever happen but sadly at the moment I can’t even force myself to get out of bed to go to work, well actually my sofa bed as if I’m going to rot in self despair then I may as well do it where the bigger TV is. Don’t worry I am getting the professional help that I need to assist me with being able to complete my usual daily activities that right now feel impossible.
I’m at the stage where nothing is wrong in my life whatsoever but I do not know what would be the right direction for my life to go. I wish I was one of those people that knew what they wanted to be when they grow up but I’m still trying to figure that out and I envy the people that had the plan from the beginning and stuck with it. I’m pretty sure if I stuck with my original plan then I would be a bus driver dressed as spiderman but with the addition of fairy wings on the back. Now that is an image that could brighten anyone’s day.
So although I do not know whether I want to be a CEO of the next best biggest tech company or a clown performing at children’s parties I’m writing this blog in hope of figuring it out and also maybe helping others figure it out. At the moment we’re all apart due to lockdown 2.0 (cheers Big Boris) hopefully we can help each other through the remainder of what is 2020, the year that will certainly be on history exam paper confusing future generations for years to come, good luck to them.