I’m writing this on Friday the 13th in 2020… if you’re reading this then we all survived.
So I want to talk about the two lockdowns and the quarter-life crisis. As I’m sure majority of you are aware that England is in yet another lockdown but thank god it is not as restrictive as the last time, I really do not think I would survive another lockdown 1.0 session, especially in the winter.
Like most, the first lockdown affected my mental health. It was like a roller coaster, one minute I was attempting to make banana bread (trust me it was a very poor attempt, it would have probably killed me before anything else even had the chance) I did yoga on some days and the days where Mr Johnson said we could go for exercise I took full advantage and walked like I have never walked before. Yes, I was one of those who would rarely go outside for a walk or jog then all of a sudden lockdown hit and I considered myself a professional hiker.
But on the days that I was not being an Olympic athlete in local walking. I was a wreck, I’m pretty sure I stayed in the same set of pyjamas for 2 weeks solid and my sofa bed yet again was my best friend. Now the first lockdown, I turned 25 and this is where the 2020 quarter-life crisis began again. Luckily on my bad days what I thought was a guardian angel appeared in cat form. I’ve never been a massive lover of cats, mainly because cats are not a massive lover of me. But to have a little fluff ball visiting and practically moving in with me it helped me get out of the rotting stage I had fallen deep into. I found out a few months later after taking the cat to the vet that actually her owners live around the corner from me and the reason she turned up at mine during lockdown is that the cat does not like noisy children and with schools being shut the child was undoubtedly present and noisy. But the angel she is, she still comes to visit me.
So the cat also helped me through that but once I began going back to work, I wasn’t sure if my lazy self had just got far too acquainted with not working or if I didn’t enjoy my job anymore. At first, I put it down to getting too comfortable being at home and my mental health not being as good as it once was. As the months have gone on, my mental health has deteriorated and I’m currently signed off from work. Because of my shifts, one week I’m up at 4 am getting ready for work and the next week I’m not going to sleep till 3 am which is very difficult to maintain when you’re not sleeping due to your brain being non-stop.
When Boris announced another lockdown with the twist of manufacturing and construction to still go to work. A big part of me just felt like the moody misunderstood teenager again that had been grounded, as essentially that is what this is. You go to work, you go home, if you’re a single person household you can join another household but no way can you go out and have fun. Unless it for exercising purposes which quite frankly Boris, I am not in the mood to feel like I’m competing with Doris down the road at who is the towns best power walker.
A couple of years ago I had CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) which helped me a lot, my coping mechanisms slowly built up and so did my confidence. I mean my anxiety got so bad at one point, I couldn’t even order my own food through a drive-thru so they were avoided at all costs. My therapist in the past set me simple and mundane tasks in the outside world around real people which still frighten me today. I’m not going to get too much into that now but as you can imagine with everything being shut I could no longer do these simple and mundane tasks which all has a knock-on effect especially where work is concerned.
Now we’re into week god knows what of lockdown 2.0 and the quarter-life crisis is in full swing, I’m telling myself things will get better as deep down I know they will but it just takes some convincing sometimes. Compared to my other breakdowns, this one is different as I have more responsibilities like a hell of a lot of bills which sadly my mental health will not pay. So whilst rotting, I’ve started this blog. I have also applied for god knows how many jobs, a lot of which I’m severely unqualified and inexperienced in. But I’m still applying for them in the hope of getting that glorious Monday to Friday lifestyle whilst I figure it all out. I mean my emails are full of rejections and I’m still waiting to hear back from a job that took me 5 hours to apply for but all we can do is hope. I have also asked for help and talked to people about how I’m feeling, whereas in the past I would have bottled everything up inside. There is one more difference this time, my other life crisis’ I normally come off all of the social media as even though I know that people only post the good in their life, but it still stings when it feels like everyone else has got it all together. So I kept social media and endlessly scrolled every minute of the day till the “You’re All Caught Up!” just constantly appeared like a bad ad. Speaking of ad’s, not a bag ad, a good advert came up for ‘The Young Women’s Trust’ which offer a free service called ‘Work It Out’, from what I have read its a coaching service to help you figure out your career choices and also offer help with applications and interviews. I’m currently waiting to hear back from my new coach, this could either be brilliant or they may agree that I should follow my childhood dream of the fairy Spiderman bus driver, we will find out.
I know that eventually, I am going to have to pull myself out of this pit, put on my best fake smile and head back to work as I have more chance in winning the lottery right now than I do in getting another job. But I’m determined to figure this out, find out what it is that I’m passionate about, something I’m good at and something that will make me happy, as that’s what we all want at the end of the day… Happiness.